Three
men died and were taken by God to the
top of a cliff. God said to them that
since they had been such great outstanding
citizens of Earth that they would be
given one chance to become anything
that they desired.
The first man ran to the edge of the
cliff, jumped into the air and shouted,
"I want to be an eagle." Instantly he
was changed into an eagle and soared
off into the sunset.
The second man ran to the edge of the
cliff, jumped into the air and shouted,
"I want to be an owl." Instantly he
was changed into an owl and soared off
into the sunset.
The third man ran towards the edge of
the cliff, tripped on a rock, and shouted,
"Oh shit ..."
Forest Gump had a near-death experience
that changed him forever. He went horseback
riding one day and everything was going
fine until the horse started bouncing
out of control. He tried with all his
might to hang on, but was thrown off.
Just when things could not possibly
get any worse, his foot became caught
in the stirrup. When this happened,
he fell head first to the ground. His
head continued to bounce harder as the
horse would not stop or even slow down.
Just as he was giving up hope and losing
consciousness ... a thoughtful K-Mart
manager came out and pulled the plug.
A bad person dies and is greeted by
Saint Peter. Peter tells the man
he must choose between three hells.
The first hell is very hot and he sees
a lot of people burning in fire. The
next hell is freezing cold and he sees
people shivering and clamoring. In the
third hell, he sees people standing
in crap up to their waist but they look
quite happy. They are drinking a cup
of coffee and are chatting with each
other. So the bad person says to Peter,
"I choose the third hell with all the
people standing in crap up to their
waist."
So Peter admits the bad person to the
third hell. He gets a cup of coffee
and feels quite comfortable. Suddenly
he hears a beep from a loud speaker
that says, "Attention. Attention. Coffee
break is over. It's time to stand on
your head now."
After a preacher died and went to heaven,
he noticed that a New York cab driver
had been awarded a higher place than
he.
"I don't understand," he complained
to God. "I devoted my entire life to
my congregation."
"Our policy here in heaven is to reward
results," God explained. "Now, was your
congregation well attuned to you whenever
you gave a sermon?"
"Well," the minister had to admit, "some
in the congregation fell asleep from
time to time."
"Exactly," said God, "and when people
rode in this man's taxi, they not only
stayed wake, they even prayed."
Two men died and went to heaven. God
greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen,
but your mansions aren't ready yet.
Until they are, I can send you back
to Earth as whatever you want to be."
"Great!" said the first guy, "I want
to be an eagle soaring above beautiful
scenery!"
"No problem," replied God, and POOF!
The guy was gone.
"And what do you want to be," God asked
the other guy.
"I'd like to be ONE COOL STUD!" was
the reply.
"Easy," replied God, and the other guy
was gone.
After a few months, their mansions were
finished, and God sent an angel to fetch
them back. "You'll find them easily,"
he says, "One of them is soaring above
the Grand Canyon, and the other one
is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"
Three men died, but before God would
let them into heaven, God gave them
a chance to come back as anything they
wanted.
The first guy said, "I want to come
back as myself, but 100 times smarter."
So God made him 100 times smarter.
The second guy said, "I want to be better
than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter."
So God made him 1000 times smarter.
The last guy decided he would be the
best. So he said, "God, make me better
than both of them, make me 1,000,000
times smarter." So God made him a woman.
Three buddies die in a car and go to
heaven for an orientation. They are
all asked, "When you are in your casket
and friends and family are mourning
over you, what would you like to hear
them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to
hear them say that I was a great doctor
of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to
hear that I was a wonderful husband
and school teacher which made a huge
difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like
to hear them say, ‘LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!'"
A guy dies and goes to the gates of
heaven where he meets God. God says
to him, "I have looked at your book
of life and you are welcome in heaven
under one condition."
The man said, "Yes, God. And what is
that condition?"
God says, "You must spell the word:
love."
The man spells the word and God lets
him into heaven.
As the man walks in, God tells the man
to watch the gate until he returns,
and reminds him that he must ask whoever
comes to spell the word.
After a short period of time, the man's
wife shows up at the gate.
"What are you doing here?" he asks her.
"Well," she snorts, "on the way home
from the funeral, there was an accident
and I died."
"Alright, but before you enter heaven
you have to spell one word," he told
her.
"What word is that?" she asks.
"Czechoslovakia," he says.
The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump
died and goes to heaven. He is met at
the gates of heaven by the gatekeeper.
The gatekeeper says, "Well, Forrest,
it's certainly good to see you. We have
heard a lot about you. I must inform
you that the place is filling up fast,
and we've been administering an entrance
exam to everyone. The tests are fairly
short, but you need to pass before you
can get into heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shore is good
to be here. I was looking forward to
this. Nobody ever told me about any
entrance exam. Shore hope the test ain't
too hard; life was a big enough test
as it was."
The gatekeeper goes on, "Yes, I know,
Forrest. But, the test I have has only
three questions. Here is the first:
What days of the week begin with the
letter "T"? Second, how many seconds
are there in a year? Third, what is
God's first name?"
Forrest goes away to think the questions
over. Forrest returns the next day and
goes up to the gatekeeper to try to
answer the exam questions.
The gatekeeper waves him up and asks,
"Now that you have had a chance to think
the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one,
how many days of the week begin with
the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy;
that'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The gatekeeper's eyes opened wide and
he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what
I was thinking, but ... you do have
a point though, and I guess I didn't
specify, so I'll give you credit for
that answer. How about the next one?
How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest.
"But, I thunk and thunk about that,
and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, the gatekeeper says, "Twelve!
Twelve! Forrest, how could you come
up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be
twelve: January second, February second,
March second ..."
"Hold it," interrupts the gatekeeper.
"I see where you're going with it. And
I guess I see your point, though that
wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll
give you credit for that one too. Let's
go on with the next and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forrest says, "Well, shore, I know God's
first name. Everybody knows it. It's
Howard."
"Howard?" asks the gatekeeper. "What
makes you think it's Howard?"
Forrest answers, "It's in the prayer."
"The prayer?" asks the gatekeeper, "Which
prayer?"
"You know, the Lord's Prayer," responds
Forrest: "Our Father, which art in Heaven,
Howard be thy name ..."
Three knuckleheads died in a car accident
and landed in heaven together. God addressed
the first one, "Before you are allowed
to enter heaven you must answer a question.
What can you tell me about Easter?"
The first one looked puzzled for a moment
then said, "Oh, I know. That's the holiday
in the fall when you pig out on Turkey
and watch football games all day."
"Wrong!" said God and the first one
disappeared in a puff of smoke. God
turned to the second one and asked him
about Easter.
"Isn't that the holiday in December
when you get gifts and decorate a dead
tree?"
"Wrong!" said God and the second one
disappeared in a puff of smoke.
The last one looked nervous as God turned
to him.
"What can you tell me about Easter?"
God asked.
"Well that's the holiday that occurs
in early spring. It begins on the day
Jesus was hung on a cross between two
criminals and made to wear a crown of
thorns. He dies and they bury him in
a cave and roll a rock over the entrance
to seal it. On the third day, Jesus
is supposed to rise from the dead. So
they roll the stone away from the cave
entrance and if Jesus pops his head
out it means six more weeks of winter."
A highly successful executive woman
was tragically hit by a bus and died.
She arrived in heaven where she was
met by God.
"Welcome to heaven," said God. "Before
you get settled in though, it seems
we have a problem. Strangely enough,
we've never once had an executive make
it this far and we're not really sure
what to do with you."
"No problem God, just let me in." said
the woman.
God replied, "What we're going to do
is let you spend a day in hell and a
day in heaven and then you can choose
where you want to spend an eternity."
God put the executive in an elevator
and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself
stepping out onto the putting green
of a beautiful golf course. In the distance
was a country club and standing in front
of her were all her friends – fellow
executives that she had worked with
and they were all dressed in evening
gowns and cheering for her. They ran
up and kissed her on both cheeks and
they talked about old times. They played
an excellent round of golf and at night
went to the country club where she enjoyed
an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met the devil who was actually a
really nice guy (kinda cute) and she
had a great time telling jokes and dancing.
She was having such a good time that
before she knew it, it was time to leave.
Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye
as she got on the elevator. The elevator
went up-up-up and opened back up at
heaven and found God waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven,"
God said. So she spent the next 24 hours
lounging around on clouds and playing
the harp and singing. She had a great
time and before she knew it her 24 hours
were up and God came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and
you've spent a day in heaven. Now you
must choose your eternity," God said.
The woman paused for a second and then
replied, "Well, I never thought I'd
say this, I mean, heaven has been really
great and all, but I think I had a better
time in hell."
So God escorted her to the elevator
and again she went down-down-down back
to hell. When the doors of the elevator
opened she found herself standing in
a desolate wasteland covered in garbage
and filth. She saw her friends were
dressed in rags and were picking up
the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The devil came up to her and put his
arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the
woman, "yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and a country club
and we ate lobster and we danced and
had a great time. Now all there is a
wasteland of garbage and all my friends
look miserable."
The devil looked at her and smiled.
"Yesterday we were recruiting you; today
you're staff."
God greeted two newcomers to heaven.
One was a preacher, the other was a
lawyer. He ushered the preacher to a
small shack and settled him in to his
austere quarters; then led the lawyer
to a huge, luxuriously appointed mansion.
"I don't understand," the lawyer puzzled.
"That man was a preacher, and you gave
him a shack. And yet, you've said I
am to live in this luxurious, huge mansion.
Why?"
"Sir," said God, "We've had lots and
lots of preachers, here. But you, sir,
are our very first LAWYER."
A priest dies and goes to heaven. There,
he is met by a reception committee,
and after a whirlwind tour is told that
he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations
available.
He decides that he wants to read all
of the ancient original text of the
Holy Scriptures, and spends the next
eon or so learning the languages. After
becoming a linguistic master, he sits
down in the library and begins to pore
over every version of the Bible, working
back from the most recent "Easy Reading
Version" to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in
the library. The angels come running
to him, only to find the priest huddled
in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering,
"An "R"! They left out the 'R'."
God takes him aside, offering comfort
and asks him what the problem is. After
collecting his wits, the priest sobs
again, "It's the letter "R" ... the
word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two
of the biggest baseball fans in America.
Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl
discussed baseball history in the winter,
and they poured over every box score
during the season. They went to sixty
games a year. They even agreed that
whoever died first would try to come
back and tell the other if there was
baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in
his sleep after watching a Yankee victory
earlier in the evening. He died happy.
A few nights later, his buddy, Earl,
awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from
beyond.
"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed.
"So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some
bad news for you. Which do you want
to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there
is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could
possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
A preacher was having his usual sermon
when all of a sudden there was a cloud
burst. After about one full hour of
complete non-stop rain, everyone began
to evacuate because the whole church
was flooding, but the preacher just
stood there preaching in the ankle-deep
water.
A man drives by in a car and shouts
through the church doors, "Preacher,
you better get out of there before you
drown!"
The preacher replied, "Don't worry.
God will save me." The man then drove
away.
The water was now knee-deep and a man
in a raft floated over to the church
and said to the preacher, "You better
get in here before you drown!"
Despite the second warning the preacher
just stood there and replied, "Don't
worry. God will save me." The man then
rowed away.
The water was now waist-deep and a man
in a power boat came to the preacher
and said, "You better get out of there
before you drown!"
Despite the third warning, the preacher
just stood there and replied "Don't
worry. God will save me." With
that the man jetted away.
The water was now neck-deep and a man
in a helicopter came by and yelled to
the preacher, "You better get out of
there before you drown!"
The preacher refused to move and replied,
"Don't worry. God will save me." With
that the man flew away.
The water then got so deep that the
preacher was sucked under and died.
When he opened his eyes he noticed that
he was in heaven.
He then saw God and asked, "Oh God!
Why didn't you save me from that horrible
flood?"
God then replied, "I sent you a car,
a raft, a power boat, and a helicopter! What
else do you want from me?"
Lying in the hospital bed, a dying man
began to flail about and make motions
as if he would like to speak. The priest,
keeping watch at the side of his bed,
leaned quietly over and asked, "Do you
have something you would like to say?"
The man nodded to the affirmative, and
the priest handed him a pad and pen.
"I know you can't speak, but use this
to write a note and I will give it to
your wife. She's waiting just outside."
Gathering his last bit of strength,
the man took them and scrawled his message
upon the pad which he stuffed into the
priest's hands.
Then, moments later, the man died.
After administering the last rites,
the priest left to break the sad news
to the wife. After consoling her a bit,
the priest handed her the note.
"Here were his last words. Just before
passing on, he wrote this message to
you."
The wife tearfully opened the note which
read: "Get off of my oxygen hose!!"
Three men died in a car accident and
met God in heaven.
"I will ask you each a simple question.
If you tell the truth you will enter
heaven, but if you lie ... hell is waiting
for you," God told them.
To the first man God asked, "How many
times did you cheat on your wife?"
The first man replied, "I was a good
husband. I never cheated on my wife."
God replied, "Very good! Not only
will I allow you in, but for being faithful
to your wife I will give you a huge
mansion and a limo for your transportation."
To the second man God asked, "How many
times did you cheat on your wife?"
The second man replied, "I cheated on
my wife twice."
God replied, "I will allow you to come
in, but for your unfaithfulness, you
will get a four-bedroom house and a
BMW."
To the third man God asked, "So, how
many times did you cheat on your wife?"
The third man replied, "I cheated on
my wife about eight times."
God replied, "I will allow you to come
in, but for your unfaithfulness, you
will get a one-room apartment, and a
Yugo for your transportation.
A couple of hours later, the second
and third men saw the first man crying
his eyes out.
"Why are you crying?" the two men asked.
"You got the mansion and limo!"
The first man replied, "I'm crying because
I saw my wife a little while ago riding
a skateboard!"
As soon as Mrs. Jones arrived at the
gates of heaven she sought her husband,
who had died several years before.
"Excuse me," she said, approaching the
gatekeeper, "but I'm looking for my
husband. I wonder if you can help me."
"What is his name?" the gatekeeper inquired.
"Harry ... Harry Jones," she replied.
The gatekeeper stroked his chin. "There
are many here who have that name.
What else can you tell me about him?"
Blurting out the first thing that came
to mind, she said, "Well, the last thing
he said before he died was that if I
were ever unfaithful to him, he would
turn in his grave."
"Ah!" said the gatekeeper, "you're looking
for Pin-Wheel Harry!"
Two men are waiting at the gates of
heaven and strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks
the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man,
"how does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first,"
says the second man. "You get the shakes,
and you get pains in all your fingers
and toes. But eventually, it's a very
calm way to go. You get numb and you
kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.
How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first
man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating
on me, so one day I showed up at home
unexpectedly but found her alone watching
television. I ran around the house looking
for her lover but could find no one.
As I ran up the stairs to the attic,
I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's
so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in
the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
A man spoke with the Lord about heaven
and hell. The Lord said to the
man, "Come, I will show you hell." They
entered a room where a group of people
sat around a huge pot of stew. Everyone
was famished, desperate and starving.
Each held a spoon that reached the pot,
but each spoon had a handle so much
longer than their arms that it could
not be used to get the stew into their
own mouths. The suffering was terrible.
"Come, now I will show you heaven,"
the Lord said after a while. They entered
another room, identical to the first
- the pot of stew, the group of people,
the same long-handled spoons. But there
everyone was happy and well-nourished.
"I don't understand," said the man.
"Why are they happy here when they were
miserable in the other room and everything
was the same?"
The Lord smiled, "Ah, it is simple,"
he said. "Here they have learned to
feed each other."
Five blind men wanted to learn for the
first time what an elephant was like.
They were then led to one and each man
grabbed ahold of whatever part of the
elephant they could. Each man was certain
he could describe the entire elephant
by merely feeling whatever part of the
elephant they had grabbed.
The man holding onto the trunk of the
elephant was certain the elephant was
the shape of a wiggly snake and said
so.
But the man feeling the elephant's ear
insisted the elephant was like a palm
leaf.
With a firm grip on one of the elephant's
legs, the third man declared that an
elephant is like a tree trunk.
"No," stated another man patting the
elephant's side, "This beast is truly
the size of a wall."
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